Best Movie: Citizens On Patrol
Worst Movie: City Under Siege
Most Heinous and Misanthropic: Mission to Moscow
Movie For "The Fans": Back in Training
Best Character Who Made it Through the Whole Series: Lassard
Best Short-Term Character: Zed
Worst Character: Not-Mahoney (honorable mention: Sweet Chuck)
Worst Love Interest: Whoever the fuck was in part 3
Best Love Interest: Kim Cattrall (only on a technicality, since they are all bad)
Most Inexplicable Scene: 4's Skateboard Montage! (honorable mention: 7's flipping Russians)
Best Cameo: Tony Hawk in 4!
Best Running Joke: Bobcat Goildthwait acts like he's in a different movie than everyone else.
Worst Running Joke: Hooks gets mad.
Character Who Should Have Been in More of the Movies: None (honorable mention: nudity/tits)
Character Who Should Have Been in Fewer: Mauser. 2 was too many.
Most Unwelcome Return: Clumsy Guy
Most Welcome Return: Bad guy with Vassar shirt
Ninja Award: Citizens On Patrol (it had ninjas!)
and finally...
Award For Being Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach: Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol
Goodnight folks!
Showing posts with label Police Academy Marathon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Police Academy Marathon. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Life is a lot like the Police Academy series. I mean, not literally. We aren't all a bunch of wacky cops defined by one and only one character trait. I mean that life is like Police Academy in a broader sense. They're both long and often inexplicable, and people seem to suddenly disappear for no reason, only to reappear some time later. Well, ok, life's not really too much like that, but we're coming to the end of my writeup of the marathon, and I'm feeling a little sentimental. Thought I'd wax philosophical.
Here we are, finally at the end of this winding, rocky road called "life." The first 6 movies were made pretty much one after another, i.e. 6 movies were made in 6 years. Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow was made 5 years after part 6. It was the last one made. I guess that makes it the swan song.
Police Academy 7: Is It Over Yet?
Life is a lot like the Police Academy series. I mean, not literally. We aren't all a bunch of wacky cops defined by one and only one character trait. I mean that life is like Police Academy in a broader sense. They're both long and often inexplicable, and people seem to suddenly disappear for no reason, only to reappear some time later. Well, ok, life's not really too much like that, but we're coming to the end of my writeup of the marathon, and I'm feeling a little sentimental. Thought I'd wax philosophical.
Here we are, finally at the end of this winding, rocky road called "life." The first 6 movies were made pretty much one after another, i.e. 6 movies were made in 6 years. Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow was made 5 years after part 6. It was the last one made. I guess that makes it the swan song.
Police Academy 7: Is It Over Yet?We went into this one with our souls completely crushed, but I'm happy to say it's not nearly as terrible as part 6. More along the average terribleness of the series. Only this one was a little weirder and more interesting than some of the others. And I'll give it this: it was the most competently directed and edited. It didn't look like a total piece of shit. And shucks, compared to 6... both are pieces of shit, but part 6 was like a piece of shit that somehow made it into your Cheerios, and this is just a piece of shit you found on your front porch. Not as traumatizing.
Staying positive for a moment, this movie features Christopher Lee and Ron Perlman in small roles, clearly the 2 best actors ever to appear in the series. I mean, they are both terrible in this, but it's nice to see them. How you doing, guys? Also, Claire Forlani is in this, and you may have noticed that she is hot.
Tackleberry is back, and so are Callahan, Harris, Lassard and Jones. Gone are Hightower, Hooks, Clumsy Guy (thank the Lord!), Proctor (Aww!) and Not-Mahoney. The absence of Not-Mahoney is interesting, because instead of finally giving Tackleberry or Lassard their due and make them the lead, they introduce a new bland white guy to take the reigns. Shenan named him "I Can't Believe It's Not Mahoney." And now that I think of it, "I Can't Believe it's Not Not-Mahoney" would have been even better. But we've already committed. Stay the course, I always say. Mission (to Moscow) Accomplished.
Anyways, this new Mahoney substitute may actually be the least funny of the 3 (if such a thing is calculable), but also the most interesting. See, although the movie seems to think he's a likable hero, he's actually a bitter, manipulative, misanthropic, narcissistic bastard. Like when Claire Forlani, who is assigned to show him around Moscow, asks for a transfer, he goes to her boss and talks shit about her to get her pulled off of the better assignment. So of course then they end up falling in love. Only in the movies, man.
Oh right, I don't know if you could tell from the title, but they go to Moscow in this one, to stop an evil video game from being released by the Russian Mafia to... oh heck, like you care about the story. At least the new location sets up some jokes, unlike when they went to Miami. Most notably, a lot of jokes are made about all Russians being incredible acrobats.
"Huh?" you may be thinking. Well, I wasn't aware of it either, but apparently it must be some racist Russian joke that they all are acrobats. Because things will happen like the gang will be told that Russians are inside a room painting, and they open the door and the painters are all doing backflips and twirls as they paint.
Yeah, that's right, the surrealism is back, and I for one appreciated it. Once again, it's the frequent inexplicable touches that end up being the best moments. Like this weird, David Lynch-esque identity swap scene where the gang is suddenly the staff at a lounge club, including Callahan singing a sexy soft jazz number. It's because they are all undercover, but it isn't well setup and comes out of the blue.
Even better is, at one point, Jones is trying to break into a safe, and what he does is make lock clicking noises with his mouth, and then the safe answers. They go back and forth until the safe opens. So apparently he speaks the language of locks. Again, it's just too bad Bunuel didn't live to see this movie.
My favorite inexplicable scene has got to be the ballet scene. The gang is at a big ballet performance when, with absolutely no explanation as to how, Tackleberry and Harris end up on stage dressed as the dancers. Full costume, with makeup. It's like the filmmakers couldn't think of a reason to explain how they got there, but that it was too golden of a comic opportunity to pass up.
Well, our notes got pretty messy at this point, as we had been drinking for almost 12 hours. Apparently the slidewhistle edit returned at some point. Also, I see here that Patrick wrote "inappropriate sound effect usage." I can't recall that at all, so maybe he can interject to remind me.
At long last, our moment of victory.
And that about wraps it up for the series. When the movie ended, we were pretty jubilant. Not so much because we enjoyed 7, but because it was finally over.
OK, I know I didn't make this ordeal sound too bad. And at times, it wasn't. To their credit, most of the movies went by pretty fast and easy, like candy circus peanuts.
But also like circus peanuts, they start to make you feel sick and worn down after a while. We started this marathon at around 10am that Saturday morning, and it didn't end until after 10pm. Breaks were minimal. That's 12 hours dedicated to Police Academy in one form or another, be it watching them, talking about them, thinking about them. And now I've spent another 6 hours or something writing these posts. It's dedication, but it goes beyond dedication. It's a little insane, yes, but goes beyond insanity. What it really is, is courage. True, deep, simple, courageous American courage.
I submit this to you, brave reader, my log of Patrick's and my journey to the heart of darkness. We have tread where no men have gone before, and come out the other side. With these posts, we aim to educate and perhaps even save lives.
BUT WAIT! Up next, we present the 1st Ever "Hightower is Tall!" Police Academy Awards!
Staying positive for a moment, this movie features Christopher Lee and Ron Perlman in small roles, clearly the 2 best actors ever to appear in the series. I mean, they are both terrible in this, but it's nice to see them. How you doing, guys? Also, Claire Forlani is in this, and you may have noticed that she is hot.
Tackleberry is back, and so are Callahan, Harris, Lassard and Jones. Gone are Hightower, Hooks, Clumsy Guy (thank the Lord!), Proctor (Aww!) and Not-Mahoney. The absence of Not-Mahoney is interesting, because instead of finally giving Tackleberry or Lassard their due and make them the lead, they introduce a new bland white guy to take the reigns. Shenan named him "I Can't Believe It's Not Mahoney." And now that I think of it, "I Can't Believe it's Not Not-Mahoney" would have been even better. But we've already committed. Stay the course, I always say. Mission (to Moscow) Accomplished.
Anyways, this new Mahoney substitute may actually be the least funny of the 3 (if such a thing is calculable), but also the most interesting. See, although the movie seems to think he's a likable hero, he's actually a bitter, manipulative, misanthropic, narcissistic bastard. Like when Claire Forlani, who is assigned to show him around Moscow, asks for a transfer, he goes to her boss and talks shit about her to get her pulled off of the better assignment. So of course then they end up falling in love. Only in the movies, man.
Oh right, I don't know if you could tell from the title, but they go to Moscow in this one, to stop an evil video game from being released by the Russian Mafia to... oh heck, like you care about the story. At least the new location sets up some jokes, unlike when they went to Miami. Most notably, a lot of jokes are made about all Russians being incredible acrobats.
"Huh?" you may be thinking. Well, I wasn't aware of it either, but apparently it must be some racist Russian joke that they all are acrobats. Because things will happen like the gang will be told that Russians are inside a room painting, and they open the door and the painters are all doing backflips and twirls as they paint.
Yeah, that's right, the surrealism is back, and I for one appreciated it. Once again, it's the frequent inexplicable touches that end up being the best moments. Like this weird, David Lynch-esque identity swap scene where the gang is suddenly the staff at a lounge club, including Callahan singing a sexy soft jazz number. It's because they are all undercover, but it isn't well setup and comes out of the blue.
Even better is, at one point, Jones is trying to break into a safe, and what he does is make lock clicking noises with his mouth, and then the safe answers. They go back and forth until the safe opens. So apparently he speaks the language of locks. Again, it's just too bad Bunuel didn't live to see this movie.
My favorite inexplicable scene has got to be the ballet scene. The gang is at a big ballet performance when, with absolutely no explanation as to how, Tackleberry and Harris end up on stage dressed as the dancers. Full costume, with makeup. It's like the filmmakers couldn't think of a reason to explain how they got there, but that it was too golden of a comic opportunity to pass up.
Well, our notes got pretty messy at this point, as we had been drinking for almost 12 hours. Apparently the slidewhistle edit returned at some point. Also, I see here that Patrick wrote "inappropriate sound effect usage." I can't recall that at all, so maybe he can interject to remind me.
At long last, our moment of victory.And that about wraps it up for the series. When the movie ended, we were pretty jubilant. Not so much because we enjoyed 7, but because it was finally over.
OK, I know I didn't make this ordeal sound too bad. And at times, it wasn't. To their credit, most of the movies went by pretty fast and easy, like candy circus peanuts.
But also like circus peanuts, they start to make you feel sick and worn down after a while. We started this marathon at around 10am that Saturday morning, and it didn't end until after 10pm. Breaks were minimal. That's 12 hours dedicated to Police Academy in one form or another, be it watching them, talking about them, thinking about them. And now I've spent another 6 hours or something writing these posts. It's dedication, but it goes beyond dedication. It's a little insane, yes, but goes beyond insanity. What it really is, is courage. True, deep, simple, courageous American courage.
I submit this to you, brave reader, my log of Patrick's and my journey to the heart of darkness. We have tread where no men have gone before, and come out the other side. With these posts, we aim to educate and perhaps even save lives.
BUT WAIT! Up next, we present the 1st Ever "Hightower is Tall!" Police Academy Awards!
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Police Academy 6: City Under Siege
Saturday, March 1, 2008
I can barely muster up the energy to talk about this movie. Police Academy 6 isn't just bad, it's aggressively dreary. It awakened an existential dread in me. None of the Police Academy movies are funny, but this is the only one that made me feel kinda sad.
You know what's a better movie than Police Academy 6: City Under Siege?
Under Siege 2: Dark Territory
I can barely muster up the energy to talk about this movie. Police Academy 6 isn't just bad, it's aggressively dreary. It awakened an existential dread in me. None of the Police Academy movies are funny, but this is the only one that made me feel kinda sad.
You know what's a better movie than Police Academy 6: City Under Siege?Under Siege 2: Dark Territory
Sigh. Where to begin? The funniest thing about this movie is entirely accidental. It is the fact that it was directed by a man named Peter Bonerz. I shit you not. Laugh it up, because it's a funny as this shit gets. Take note of the "z" at the end of his name; appreciate that nuance. Consider that Peter is also a term for penis, as if his name is trying to specify that it's not just any old boner, but a boner involving a penis. Please, savor this. Roll the Bonerz around your palette, because it's the best you're gonna get.
Not-Mahoney is back, again pretending to be the main character even though he doesn't do anything and probably has equal screen time as the other characters. And now it's just kind of sad. At least Steve Guttenberg was kind of a star, so pretending he was the hero made sense. I can't figure out why they don't just make one of the other characters the lead, like Hightower or Lassard, except I guess they felt they no one would want to watch it unless the hero was a generic looking, young-ish white guy.
Tackleberry still loves guns, Hooks still occasionally yells at someone, Harris is still an asshole, yadda yadda yadda. We expected that. What we didn't expect was, that after a 2 film absence, they would bring back Clumsy Guy. He triumphantly marches into the film, accidentally sets off some fireworks in the police station (I'm still unclear how that happened) and then proceeds to maybe stumble over something once or twice in the movie. I don't know. They bring him back, then don't use him much.
Wait, no. I'm still angry about this. What the fuck? Why bring this asshole back. Were the rabid Acadamaniacs frothing at the mouth for his return? Was there a write-in campaign to the studio begging to put him in the new movie? Who exactly was it that thought "Boy, parts 4 and 5 were not very good movies, and I feel the only way to rectify this in part 6 is to bring back that guy who was barely in the series and accidentally broke stuff a few times." I want to punch the asshole who came up with that idea right in his asshole nose.
Hightower is back, and still tall and strong. What a fucking career this guy had. He starred in 6 movies that didn't even require him to act, all they required was that he look like himself. Lucky bastard. And they actually kind of throw in a variation for his character this time... he has to fight a tall, strong villain. I guess there could be potential here, but it just leads to an awkward scene where they fight by hugging each other really tight and their powers cancel each other out and they can't hurt one another. Then the bad guy makes a knock knock joke, and Hightower gets mad and says, "Fighting is one thing, but bad jokes is where I draw the line! " and suddenly that gives him strength to kick his ass.
Hightower, I got a question for you, man. If a bad joke is all it takes to whip you into a murderous frenzy, then why hadn't you killed the entire cast at this point?
This one turns out to be even more plot heavy than the last one. There's even a mysterious criminal mastermind that the crew has to unmask. There's so much plot that the finale is essentially the cast standing around spouting expository exclamations for 5 minutes. And I will give this movie credit here, because it calls attention to its own worthlessness: Lassard falls asleep in the middle of the long winded explanation. It actually made me laugh, and I only had to wait 80 minutes to get there.
This is not only the worst fucking movie in the whole series, it's on my short list for worst fucking comedy ever made. It goes beyond the unfunniness of the other films and becomes a miserable, soul sucking experience. It's a joyless, lifeless experience, devoid of any energy or sense of fun. You watch the movie, and you feel like no one wanted to be there, not the actors, not the director, not anybody. Even the look of the film is dank, dark and muted. Most of the scenes take place at night or in dimly lit locations. And it didn't help that we watched it on a shitty VHS copy.
We were supposed to be making a "6" but it got cut off, and we were miserable, so it looks more like we're being forced at gunpoint to make a porno.
Not-Mahoney is back, again pretending to be the main character even though he doesn't do anything and probably has equal screen time as the other characters. And now it's just kind of sad. At least Steve Guttenberg was kind of a star, so pretending he was the hero made sense. I can't figure out why they don't just make one of the other characters the lead, like Hightower or Lassard, except I guess they felt they no one would want to watch it unless the hero was a generic looking, young-ish white guy.
Tackleberry still loves guns, Hooks still occasionally yells at someone, Harris is still an asshole, yadda yadda yadda. We expected that. What we didn't expect was, that after a 2 film absence, they would bring back Clumsy Guy. He triumphantly marches into the film, accidentally sets off some fireworks in the police station (I'm still unclear how that happened) and then proceeds to maybe stumble over something once or twice in the movie. I don't know. They bring him back, then don't use him much.
Wait, no. I'm still angry about this. What the fuck? Why bring this asshole back. Were the rabid Acadamaniacs frothing at the mouth for his return? Was there a write-in campaign to the studio begging to put him in the new movie? Who exactly was it that thought "Boy, parts 4 and 5 were not very good movies, and I feel the only way to rectify this in part 6 is to bring back that guy who was barely in the series and accidentally broke stuff a few times." I want to punch the asshole who came up with that idea right in his asshole nose.
Hightower is back, and still tall and strong. What a fucking career this guy had. He starred in 6 movies that didn't even require him to act, all they required was that he look like himself. Lucky bastard. And they actually kind of throw in a variation for his character this time... he has to fight a tall, strong villain. I guess there could be potential here, but it just leads to an awkward scene where they fight by hugging each other really tight and their powers cancel each other out and they can't hurt one another. Then the bad guy makes a knock knock joke, and Hightower gets mad and says, "Fighting is one thing, but bad jokes is where I draw the line! " and suddenly that gives him strength to kick his ass.
Hightower, I got a question for you, man. If a bad joke is all it takes to whip you into a murderous frenzy, then why hadn't you killed the entire cast at this point?
This one turns out to be even more plot heavy than the last one. There's even a mysterious criminal mastermind that the crew has to unmask. There's so much plot that the finale is essentially the cast standing around spouting expository exclamations for 5 minutes. And I will give this movie credit here, because it calls attention to its own worthlessness: Lassard falls asleep in the middle of the long winded explanation. It actually made me laugh, and I only had to wait 80 minutes to get there.
This is not only the worst fucking movie in the whole series, it's on my short list for worst fucking comedy ever made. It goes beyond the unfunniness of the other films and becomes a miserable, soul sucking experience. It's a joyless, lifeless experience, devoid of any energy or sense of fun. You watch the movie, and you feel like no one wanted to be there, not the actors, not the director, not anybody. Even the look of the film is dank, dark and muted. Most of the scenes take place at night or in dimly lit locations. And it didn't help that we watched it on a shitty VHS copy.
We were supposed to be making a "6" but it got cut off, and we were miserable, so it looks more like we're being forced at gunpoint to make a porno.I thought part 5 was bad? Fuck that. I would watch it twice in a row before I watched this again. During our roundup we decided... that we didn't want to be doing this any more. But that wasn't an option. So we just prayed that the 5 years in between the productions this one and the final film were a time of change. Preferrably, none of these awful fucking characters would return, and it would in no way be anything like this movie, in fact wouldn't it be great if Police Academy 7 turned out to actually be Terminator 2? That would be great. But if it had to actually be a real Police Academy movie, we figured they should make Hooks the main character. Because fuck it.
So how did part 7 turn out? Tune in next time...
So how did part 7 turn out? Tune in next time...
Monday, March 10, 2008
Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach
Saturday, March 1, 2008
There is one thing, and one thing alone, that I will compliment about Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach: Sweet Chuck is finally gone. Praise God, they finally got rid of the obnoxious little fucker.
Patrick's idea to continue the torture motif was to do a titty twister.
Problem is, we both look way too into it.
In the early posts, you may have noticed that I made this big deal of how awful this whole experience was, yet I mention that we are still feeling upbeat and positive after each movie. Well, part 5 is where this changed. This movie is a slow, awkward blackhole of comedy where jokes are sucked in and never escape. Our once festive mood was brought to a halt.
Weirdly enough, I remembered this one pretty well. I think it must have always been on HBO when I was little, because I'm pretty sure I saw it 2 or 3 times already.
So, we have most of the major players back, except now Mahoney is gone. Instead of Mahoney, about 20 minutes into the movie we meet a guy of about the same physical description who gets into Mahoney-esque antics, has a love interest, and in true Mahoney tradition has a small role that the movie likes to pretend is the lead. Patrick and I nicknamed him Not-Mahoney.
Actually, if anyone really feels like the lead this time, it's Lassard. This should be a good thing, as Lassard is clearly the most likable character in the whole series. Not in Assignment Miami Beach, though. Here, they play Lassard as so stupid that Patrick and I were convinced he had Alzheimer's. He gets kidnapped by bad guys at a police convention, but for some reason he's convinced that it's all some sort of staged performance. Even after they tie him to a chair in their apartment. It's like a Man Who Knew Too Little situation, but even less funny.
The most amusing part of this movie (albiet, unintentionally so) for me was the fact Rene Auberjonois plays the villain. You probably don't recognize the name, but he was in a bunch of Robert Altman movies back in the 70's. Including McCabe & Ms. Miller, which Roger Ebert called a perfect movie. And only 15 years later, he was in a Police Academy movie. I imagine between every take he was thinking "Jesus, Rene. A decade ago you were a frequent collaborator with one of the most critically respected directors of all time. And now you're doing a farting-in-an-elevator scene in a movie even Steve fucking Guttenberg wouldn't show up for. Siiiighhhhhh.... think of the paycheck. The paycheck is your motivation."
OK, so all the cops go to Miami to attend a police convention. I assume this is a move of desperation on the part of the filmmakers, trying to add some false sense of freshness to the series by relocation. So it's a little fascinating that they don't take advantage of the new surroundings to provide any new humor. Outside of some local color, and a Jaws parody (which didn't take place in Florida, btw), it's just the same group of characters making the exact same jokes.
It also dawned on us that this movie was possibly the inspiration for Reno 911: Miami. I had figured it was a Miami Vice or CSI: Miami joke the Reno folks were going for, but now I'm not so sure. Both movies are about a group of zany cops going to a police convention in Miami... it makes Reno 911 seem even funnier in retrospect.
Doing a little analysis, I think Patrick and I determined the main flaw with this movie. Unlike the prior four films, this one wasn't a plotless mess with a story that only kicks in during the finale. Instead, there's this whole awful, unfunny plot about Lassard picking up a criminal's luggage filled with stolen diamonds, and the bad guys trying to get it back and eventually kidnapping him. The other movies were awful and filled with unfunny jokes, but part 5 is that plus an awful, unfunny plot that dominates every moment. It was the awful, unfunny glue that filled in the cracks of neutrality that the other movies possessed. By having a "stronger" story, it just meant more awfulness to go around.
Wow. I don't even know where to go from here. This movie was a dead zone. It was bad, and flat, and boring. I thought the physical challenge was bad, but this was worse. This is where I stopped having fun and started wondering when the day was going to be over.
I know we look like we're having fun here, but it's only because of the Stockholm Syndrome.
This movie abducted and tortured us for 90 minutes.
There is one thing, and one thing alone, that I will compliment about Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach: Sweet Chuck is finally gone. Praise God, they finally got rid of the obnoxious little fucker.
Patrick's idea to continue the torture motif was to do a titty twister.Problem is, we both look way too into it.
In the early posts, you may have noticed that I made this big deal of how awful this whole experience was, yet I mention that we are still feeling upbeat and positive after each movie. Well, part 5 is where this changed. This movie is a slow, awkward blackhole of comedy where jokes are sucked in and never escape. Our once festive mood was brought to a halt.
Weirdly enough, I remembered this one pretty well. I think it must have always been on HBO when I was little, because I'm pretty sure I saw it 2 or 3 times already.
So, we have most of the major players back, except now Mahoney is gone. Instead of Mahoney, about 20 minutes into the movie we meet a guy of about the same physical description who gets into Mahoney-esque antics, has a love interest, and in true Mahoney tradition has a small role that the movie likes to pretend is the lead. Patrick and I nicknamed him Not-Mahoney.
Actually, if anyone really feels like the lead this time, it's Lassard. This should be a good thing, as Lassard is clearly the most likable character in the whole series. Not in Assignment Miami Beach, though. Here, they play Lassard as so stupid that Patrick and I were convinced he had Alzheimer's. He gets kidnapped by bad guys at a police convention, but for some reason he's convinced that it's all some sort of staged performance. Even after they tie him to a chair in their apartment. It's like a Man Who Knew Too Little situation, but even less funny.
The most amusing part of this movie (albiet, unintentionally so) for me was the fact Rene Auberjonois plays the villain. You probably don't recognize the name, but he was in a bunch of Robert Altman movies back in the 70's. Including McCabe & Ms. Miller, which Roger Ebert called a perfect movie. And only 15 years later, he was in a Police Academy movie. I imagine between every take he was thinking "Jesus, Rene. A decade ago you were a frequent collaborator with one of the most critically respected directors of all time. And now you're doing a farting-in-an-elevator scene in a movie even Steve fucking Guttenberg wouldn't show up for. Siiiighhhhhh.... think of the paycheck. The paycheck is your motivation."
OK, so all the cops go to Miami to attend a police convention. I assume this is a move of desperation on the part of the filmmakers, trying to add some false sense of freshness to the series by relocation. So it's a little fascinating that they don't take advantage of the new surroundings to provide any new humor. Outside of some local color, and a Jaws parody (which didn't take place in Florida, btw), it's just the same group of characters making the exact same jokes.
It also dawned on us that this movie was possibly the inspiration for Reno 911: Miami. I had figured it was a Miami Vice or CSI: Miami joke the Reno folks were going for, but now I'm not so sure. Both movies are about a group of zany cops going to a police convention in Miami... it makes Reno 911 seem even funnier in retrospect.
Doing a little analysis, I think Patrick and I determined the main flaw with this movie. Unlike the prior four films, this one wasn't a plotless mess with a story that only kicks in during the finale. Instead, there's this whole awful, unfunny plot about Lassard picking up a criminal's luggage filled with stolen diamonds, and the bad guys trying to get it back and eventually kidnapping him. The other movies were awful and filled with unfunny jokes, but part 5 is that plus an awful, unfunny plot that dominates every moment. It was the awful, unfunny glue that filled in the cracks of neutrality that the other movies possessed. By having a "stronger" story, it just meant more awfulness to go around.
Wow. I don't even know where to go from here. This movie was a dead zone. It was bad, and flat, and boring. I thought the physical challenge was bad, but this was worse. This is where I stopped having fun and started wondering when the day was going to be over.
I know we look like we're having fun here, but it's only because of the Stockholm Syndrome.This movie abducted and tortured us for 90 minutes.
In our wrapup, we decided that Not-Mahoney was just as shitty as real Mahoney. We bemoaned the lack of surrealism, and agreed that these movies are better plotless. Also, we noted "Hooks? Seriously?!" That's right, you may have noticed that I haven't mentioned Hooks in a while. You may have thought she left. But no. It's been 5 movies, she only gets like 5 minutes of screen time in each harping the same lame joke, yet they kept her around.
My only consolation was that it couldn't get worse. This had to be the worst movie in the series, no way around it. Turns out, we had no idea how bad it would get...
My only consolation was that it couldn't get worse. This had to be the worst movie in the series, no way around it. Turns out, we had no idea how bad it would get...
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Intermission: The Physical Challenge
We knew this wouldn't be a true endurance test unless we added a physical challenge. So, after Citizens On Patrol we went out front of my house, still filled with gin, Wendy's, and Bud Light, and resolved to run around my block as fast as we could.
Well, I should have guessed this, but this was a terrible fucking idea, and not even very funny. Patrick didn't have too much trouble other than complaining of tasting "gin and cheeseburger vomit" in his mouth, but I think one of my fucking lungs collapsed. Below, the challenge in pictures:
Here we are counting down to the run. For some reason, Patrick put on one of my mother's coats.
Shenan considers anything below 70 degrees to be intolerably cold, so she was not very happy with me making her wait outside for 5 minutes.
Hallelujah! Patrick prays to the heavens after beating me around the block by like 8 god damned hours. I didn't care so much that he made me look bad; at this point I was just hoping that I wouldn't vomit any blood.
You should click on this one to get a better look at my face. I don't believe I had run further than 20 feet at any given time during the past 10 years or so, so this pretty much murdered me. I think I burst into tears right after Shenan snapped this photo.
I kind of look like I'm desperately trying to flag down a helicopter or something, but I'm actually falling backwards onto my dad's car as my legs give out from under me. Patrick, meanwhile, is telling me he thinks he's going to vomit. Serves him right for running so much faster than me.
I thought this whole physical challenge thing was going to be a funny addition to the marathon. Instead, I spent the rest of the day with that expression on my face, which looks like it was skeeving Patrick out. I would also like to note that, judging from this picture, the run actually made me fatter.
Well, I should have guessed this, but this was a terrible fucking idea, and not even very funny. Patrick didn't have too much trouble other than complaining of tasting "gin and cheeseburger vomit" in his mouth, but I think one of my fucking lungs collapsed. Below, the challenge in pictures:
Here we are counting down to the run. For some reason, Patrick put on one of my mother's coats.
Shenan considers anything below 70 degrees to be intolerably cold, so she was not very happy with me making her wait outside for 5 minutes.
Hallelujah! Patrick prays to the heavens after beating me around the block by like 8 god damned hours. I didn't care so much that he made me look bad; at this point I was just hoping that I wouldn't vomit any blood.
You should click on this one to get a better look at my face. I don't believe I had run further than 20 feet at any given time during the past 10 years or so, so this pretty much murdered me. I think I burst into tears right after Shenan snapped this photo.
I kind of look like I'm desperately trying to flag down a helicopter or something, but I'm actually falling backwards onto my dad's car as my legs give out from under me. Patrick, meanwhile, is telling me he thinks he's going to vomit. Serves him right for running so much faster than me.
I thought this whole physical challenge thing was going to be a funny addition to the marathon. Instead, I spent the rest of the day with that expression on my face, which looks like it was skeeving Patrick out. I would also like to note that, judging from this picture, the run actually made me fatter.And with that horrible idea out of the way, we followed through on a even worse idea: Watching Police Academy 5...
Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol
Saturday, March 1, 2008
I'm going to come right out and say it. Police Academy 4 is the best entry in the series. I enjoyed it so much that I actually gave it a 2 out of 5 on Netflix instead of a 1 out of 5 like all the others. I actually laughed a few times at this one and didn't have a bad time, and it wasn't just because I was pretty drunk and full of Wendy's at this point.
Now, I know calling it the best Police Academy movie doesn't exactly sound like a compliment. It's sort of like saying that someone is the most polite rapist you've ever met.
Get it? Citizens On Patrol? The acronym is C.O.P.!
I'm going to come right out and say it. Police Academy 4 is the best entry in the series. I enjoyed it so much that I actually gave it a 2 out of 5 on Netflix instead of a 1 out of 5 like all the others. I actually laughed a few times at this one and didn't have a bad time, and it wasn't just because I was pretty drunk and full of Wendy's at this point.
Now, I know calling it the best Police Academy movie doesn't exactly sound like a compliment. It's sort of like saying that someone is the most polite rapist you've ever met.
Get it? Citizens On Patrol? The acronym is C.O.P.!Things got off to a fucking great start. Citizens On Patrol turned out to have it's own theme. And not just any theme, but a rap music theme, where they rap about the movie you're about to watch. And not only that, but Jones-himself Michael Winslow is doing the rapping. Holy shit does this get you psyched up to watch a new Police Academy movie. I don't know why they didn't all have awesome theme songs. 
We couldn't help but rock out to that shit.
So we got most of our major players back doing exactly the same bullshit they did in the last three movies. Clumsy Guy is gone and I was still hoping dead. Mauser has mysteriously vanished, with Harris (the asshole with the cane) suddenly taking his place. And with no explanation as to how or why, Harris has inherited Proctor as his asshole underling. Although none of the bad guys were funny in any of these movies, Harris and Proctor are the best, so this can been seen as an unexpected improvement.
The plot of part 4 is exactly the same as parts 1 and 3, only the movie tries to pretend like it isn't. Here, the Police Academy starts a new program called Citizens on Patrol, where ordinary citizens are trained by the cops. Anyone is allowed in, which brings in a cavalcade of looney characters that... wait a minute! This is essentially the same movie they've already made twice. Only they keep pushing this C.O.P. thing like it's a clever new idea.
Bobcat is back again as Zed, and here is where he really comes into his own. Either genuis scribe Gene Quintano finally learned how to write for his character, or they let Bobcat improvise, because his array of nonsequitors in this movie are the best thing in the entire series. We actually laughed about 8 minutes in when he explained that he prefers to wear his "normal, human clothes" when he goes out in public to make people feel at ease.
OK, that doesn't sound funny, but it was. You had to be there. Also I was drunk.
It turns out a young David Spade is in this movie, inexplicably cast as a cool, skateboarding teenager who joins the C.O.P. program. This leads to one of the best parts of the movie. Some asshole cops harass him about his skateboarding. He insists that he wasn't skateboarding. When the cops leave, he turns to one of his skater buddies sand says "This is skateboarding!" and suddenly the movie launches into a 5 minute music montage of the skateboarders skating around town doing tricks. It has nothing to do with the rest of the movie (his skateboarding doesn't even get mentioned again), but it contains the most stylish camera work in the whole film, and one of the skaters turns out to be a young Tony Hawk! Holy shit!
There's some other accidentally entertaining stuff in this movie, as well as some shockingly non-unentertaining elements. Like when a title card announces "Meanwhile, in London..." out of the blue, or when some of the cops chase bad guys onto a pirate ship and ninjas attack them! Where did the pirate ship come from? Why were there ninjas on it? I don't know and I don't fucking care, it rocks.
I think it was somewhere around here that my girlfriend stole my notes and added her comment "girlfriend still dating Dan... it's a Police Academy miracle!" Har har.
The final action scene (which in true series fashion comes out of nowhere in the last 15 minutes) is actually kind of cool. There's a big chase involving biplanes and hot air balloons, and fucking Mahoney actually jumps from one plane onto another, like something out of a James Bond movie. Even better, Tackleberry goes Keanu-Reeves-in-Point-Break and gets so mad that he jumps out of a plane... but one ups Keanu by jumping onto a hot air balloon and scaling down the side. It's a legitimately entertaining sequence.
Speaking of Mahoney, this was Guttenberg's final Police Academy film, and they give him a very special exit. After the big action scene, he abandons his post and flies away in a giant Police Academy hot air balloon with a young Sharon Stone, presumably to live a life of fucking her brains out while no longer being a cop. That's right, it only took 4 movies, but Mahoney is finally the badass, pussyhound rebel that he was supposed to be.
In our wrap-up, besides the obvious plea of no more Sweet Chuck, we just wanted the rest of the films to be like this. More surrealism and nonsequitors. More needless montages. More Zed. And, we thought, Tackleberry and Hightower have been around for 4 movies now and have been given jack shit to do but rehash their one joke each... let's give them their due.
OK, so the movie is still mostly unfunny, and there's yet another Blue Oyster joke that is just a rehash of the first Blue Oyster joke without kicking it up a notch, and there's actually a scene where a fat guy sits on a bench and it breaks and launches the other occupant through the air... but fuck it! We were charged after this one! And drunk! Very drunk!
That's Patrick holding up four fingers.
He's not doing a fish impression.
We couldn't help but rock out to that shit.
So we got most of our major players back doing exactly the same bullshit they did in the last three movies. Clumsy Guy is gone and I was still hoping dead. Mauser has mysteriously vanished, with Harris (the asshole with the cane) suddenly taking his place. And with no explanation as to how or why, Harris has inherited Proctor as his asshole underling. Although none of the bad guys were funny in any of these movies, Harris and Proctor are the best, so this can been seen as an unexpected improvement.
The plot of part 4 is exactly the same as parts 1 and 3, only the movie tries to pretend like it isn't. Here, the Police Academy starts a new program called Citizens on Patrol, where ordinary citizens are trained by the cops. Anyone is allowed in, which brings in a cavalcade of looney characters that... wait a minute! This is essentially the same movie they've already made twice. Only they keep pushing this C.O.P. thing like it's a clever new idea.
Bobcat is back again as Zed, and here is where he really comes into his own. Either genuis scribe Gene Quintano finally learned how to write for his character, or they let Bobcat improvise, because his array of nonsequitors in this movie are the best thing in the entire series. We actually laughed about 8 minutes in when he explained that he prefers to wear his "normal, human clothes" when he goes out in public to make people feel at ease.
OK, that doesn't sound funny, but it was. You had to be there. Also I was drunk.
It turns out a young David Spade is in this movie, inexplicably cast as a cool, skateboarding teenager who joins the C.O.P. program. This leads to one of the best parts of the movie. Some asshole cops harass him about his skateboarding. He insists that he wasn't skateboarding. When the cops leave, he turns to one of his skater buddies sand says "This is skateboarding!" and suddenly the movie launches into a 5 minute music montage of the skateboarders skating around town doing tricks. It has nothing to do with the rest of the movie (his skateboarding doesn't even get mentioned again), but it contains the most stylish camera work in the whole film, and one of the skaters turns out to be a young Tony Hawk! Holy shit!
There's some other accidentally entertaining stuff in this movie, as well as some shockingly non-unentertaining elements. Like when a title card announces "Meanwhile, in London..." out of the blue, or when some of the cops chase bad guys onto a pirate ship and ninjas attack them! Where did the pirate ship come from? Why were there ninjas on it? I don't know and I don't fucking care, it rocks.
I think it was somewhere around here that my girlfriend stole my notes and added her comment "girlfriend still dating Dan... it's a Police Academy miracle!" Har har.
The final action scene (which in true series fashion comes out of nowhere in the last 15 minutes) is actually kind of cool. There's a big chase involving biplanes and hot air balloons, and fucking Mahoney actually jumps from one plane onto another, like something out of a James Bond movie. Even better, Tackleberry goes Keanu-Reeves-in-Point-Break and gets so mad that he jumps out of a plane... but one ups Keanu by jumping onto a hot air balloon and scaling down the side. It's a legitimately entertaining sequence.
Speaking of Mahoney, this was Guttenberg's final Police Academy film, and they give him a very special exit. After the big action scene, he abandons his post and flies away in a giant Police Academy hot air balloon with a young Sharon Stone, presumably to live a life of fucking her brains out while no longer being a cop. That's right, it only took 4 movies, but Mahoney is finally the badass, pussyhound rebel that he was supposed to be.
In our wrap-up, besides the obvious plea of no more Sweet Chuck, we just wanted the rest of the films to be like this. More surrealism and nonsequitors. More needless montages. More Zed. And, we thought, Tackleberry and Hightower have been around for 4 movies now and have been given jack shit to do but rehash their one joke each... let's give them their due.
OK, so the movie is still mostly unfunny, and there's yet another Blue Oyster joke that is just a rehash of the first Blue Oyster joke without kicking it up a notch, and there's actually a scene where a fat guy sits on a bench and it breaks and launches the other occupant through the air... but fuck it! We were charged after this one! And drunk! Very drunk!
That's Patrick holding up four fingers.He's not doing a fish impression.
We could not have had more energy, or have been more excited. That is, until we did our physical challenge...
Friday, March 7, 2008
Police Academy 3: Back in Training
Saturday, March 1, 2008
At this point, after the mediocrity of part 2, I was hoping that part 3 would at least be shitty in a non-boring way. And, actually, I kinda got my wish. Kinda.
I think I look like a child molester in this one.
And Patrick looks like my biggest fan.
At this point, after the mediocrity of part 2, I was hoping that part 3 would at least be shitty in a non-boring way. And, actually, I kinda got my wish. Kinda.
I think I look like a child molester in this one.And Patrick looks like my biggest fan.
Gene Quintano. Remember the name, because as scribe of parts 3 and 4, I am convinced that he is the best writer in the series. Back in Training, while still a terrible film, is superior to Their First Assignment in almost every conceivable way. First, and I cannot stress this enough, it actually takes place at a police academy. Thank you, Mr. Quintano! Apparently it was too much fucking effort for whoever wrote part 2 (they suck so much I won't even look up their name) to actually work a police academy in the plot. I think maybe even the title was Quintano's way of saying "fuck you" to the premise of part 2.
So, to recap, if Police Academy was essentially Stripes in a Police Academy, then the sequels would be Stripes in a Police Academy 2: Stripes Not in a Police Academy and Stripes in a Police Academy 3: Stripes in a Police Academy 2. I think that should clear up any confusion and answer any of your questions.
I suspect that Quintano was a genuine fan of the series (or at least took his job seriously) because he brings back most of the characters from part 1 and the new ones from part 2, and retains elements of both films. It has a sort of hyper series-continuity like Ocean's 13 or Saw III that really makes it feel like a film done for the fans. Although I would never characterize myself as a fan of these movies, the nerd in me does appreciate this kind of shit.
So not only do Mauser and Proctor return, but so do the asshole underlings from part 1! I mean, I totally hate those dicks and they aren't funny, but isn't it cool to see them all in the same movie? It reminds you that there were other movies, you know, "hey look that's the guy from etc etc." The major characters are back, but so are folks like Callahan and real Lassard (for some reason his brother was in part 2). Clumsy guy comes back and is terrible again, but in another weird fan shout-out, he has a scene that mirrors his first scene in part one. In part one, his wife tried to stop him from leaving for the academy and she jumped on the roof of the car while he's driving. Here, he does the same thing while she's driving. This time though, she sort of crashes the car and he goes flying off, you don't see him again for the rest of the film and I was hoping maybe he died. (When he didn't show up in part 4 I got really excited, but it wasn't to be...)
In fact, Quintano loves Police Academy so much that he pretty much just rehashes the entire plot of the first movie. It's just about a group of wacky recruits, with the old recruits now as instructors. And all the new recruits are basically just carbon copies of older PA characters. This is the real missed opportunity here... the new recruits could have added some fresh energy to the series. Instead, they are completely forgettable and I don't even think show up in any of the sequels.
Quintano (I'm pretty much going to attribute every artistic choice in this film to him) really strains to work Bobcat Goldthwait back into the movie. So for no discernible reason, his character Zed is now reformed and joins the force. He's still a weirdo, which is good, but for some fucking reason that asshole Quintano pairs him up with Sweet Chuck. ARG! Fucking Sweet Chuck! The Zed/Sweet Chuck combo must have tested well with audiences because they spend the whole movie together, preventing Zed from having any moments of transcendent out-of-place-ness.
In Mandatory Mahoney News (he is the main character, so I feel obligated to bring him up), his role still feels like little more than a cameo that everyone pretends is the lead. I like to imagine Steve Guttenburg had nothing but seething rage for the series, but was also a big sellout (Mahoney style, exactly why he's perfect for the role) and couldn't turn down the money. I imagine him staring at the check they cut for him, blind with rage, smashing shit in his apartment, maybe masturbating in anger... I don't know, that's just what I imagine. Forget I mentioned it. Any way, I guess Mahoney feels a little less like a bumbling moron in this one and slightly more like the free spirit he was supposed to be in the first one. He actually chases some poon this time, which is a plus. He's still a fucking sellout pig, though.
Another good series reference is when a random hobo bad guy from part one shows up for no reason, still wearing the same Vassar T-Shirt he had before. Again, a little moment just for fans. There's another Blue Oyster joke, which I was really hoping they would drop, but I'll give Quintano credit for kicking it up a notch this time. Not only does he contrive a way for Proctor to stumble into the gay bar, but he contrives a way for him to be naked while he does so. Check and mate, Quintano, my friend.
Either in this one or maybe part 2, they introduce the fact that Jones is some sort of kung-fu master, and he does this cool thing where he talks but moves his mouth in such a manner that makes it look like he's being dubbed. Even better, though, is that he apparently has super powers. While fighting, he just starts flying through the air or doing flips and jumps that are physically impossible. No explaination is given for his powers, which is exactly how we love it.
Judging from our notes, we had our first laugh 1 hour and 5 minutes in. I honestly do not recall what that was.
This one, again, has no real plot until the final 15 minutes or so. Wait, actually, it's better than that. For 90% of the movie, the plot (sort of) revolves around the possible closing down of the police academy. They have to contend with a rival academy, and the loser will be shut down. So you get all hyped up for some sort of 80's summer camp movie conclusion where the good cops face off with the bad cops, probably in an athletic competition. You know, and they will totally get their asses kicked at first, and maybe the bad cops will be cheaters, but then the cop cops will use their one personality trait to win, or they will also cheat but in a funny way so that it's excused. But instead, in the last 10 minutes they throw that out the window and have an out-of-the-blue jet-ski themed action scene. It has such a disregard for everything that came before that I wanted to applaud.
Police Academy 3: Owned.
So, to recap, if Police Academy was essentially Stripes in a Police Academy, then the sequels would be Stripes in a Police Academy 2: Stripes Not in a Police Academy and Stripes in a Police Academy 3: Stripes in a Police Academy 2. I think that should clear up any confusion and answer any of your questions.
I suspect that Quintano was a genuine fan of the series (or at least took his job seriously) because he brings back most of the characters from part 1 and the new ones from part 2, and retains elements of both films. It has a sort of hyper series-continuity like Ocean's 13 or Saw III that really makes it feel like a film done for the fans. Although I would never characterize myself as a fan of these movies, the nerd in me does appreciate this kind of shit.
So not only do Mauser and Proctor return, but so do the asshole underlings from part 1! I mean, I totally hate those dicks and they aren't funny, but isn't it cool to see them all in the same movie? It reminds you that there were other movies, you know, "hey look that's the guy from etc etc." The major characters are back, but so are folks like Callahan and real Lassard (for some reason his brother was in part 2). Clumsy guy comes back and is terrible again, but in another weird fan shout-out, he has a scene that mirrors his first scene in part one. In part one, his wife tried to stop him from leaving for the academy and she jumped on the roof of the car while he's driving. Here, he does the same thing while she's driving. This time though, she sort of crashes the car and he goes flying off, you don't see him again for the rest of the film and I was hoping maybe he died. (When he didn't show up in part 4 I got really excited, but it wasn't to be...)
In fact, Quintano loves Police Academy so much that he pretty much just rehashes the entire plot of the first movie. It's just about a group of wacky recruits, with the old recruits now as instructors. And all the new recruits are basically just carbon copies of older PA characters. This is the real missed opportunity here... the new recruits could have added some fresh energy to the series. Instead, they are completely forgettable and I don't even think show up in any of the sequels.
Quintano (I'm pretty much going to attribute every artistic choice in this film to him) really strains to work Bobcat Goldthwait back into the movie. So for no discernible reason, his character Zed is now reformed and joins the force. He's still a weirdo, which is good, but for some fucking reason that asshole Quintano pairs him up with Sweet Chuck. ARG! Fucking Sweet Chuck! The Zed/Sweet Chuck combo must have tested well with audiences because they spend the whole movie together, preventing Zed from having any moments of transcendent out-of-place-ness.
In Mandatory Mahoney News (he is the main character, so I feel obligated to bring him up), his role still feels like little more than a cameo that everyone pretends is the lead. I like to imagine Steve Guttenburg had nothing but seething rage for the series, but was also a big sellout (Mahoney style, exactly why he's perfect for the role) and couldn't turn down the money. I imagine him staring at the check they cut for him, blind with rage, smashing shit in his apartment, maybe masturbating in anger... I don't know, that's just what I imagine. Forget I mentioned it. Any way, I guess Mahoney feels a little less like a bumbling moron in this one and slightly more like the free spirit he was supposed to be in the first one. He actually chases some poon this time, which is a plus. He's still a fucking sellout pig, though.
Another good series reference is when a random hobo bad guy from part one shows up for no reason, still wearing the same Vassar T-Shirt he had before. Again, a little moment just for fans. There's another Blue Oyster joke, which I was really hoping they would drop, but I'll give Quintano credit for kicking it up a notch this time. Not only does he contrive a way for Proctor to stumble into the gay bar, but he contrives a way for him to be naked while he does so. Check and mate, Quintano, my friend.
Either in this one or maybe part 2, they introduce the fact that Jones is some sort of kung-fu master, and he does this cool thing where he talks but moves his mouth in such a manner that makes it look like he's being dubbed. Even better, though, is that he apparently has super powers. While fighting, he just starts flying through the air or doing flips and jumps that are physically impossible. No explaination is given for his powers, which is exactly how we love it.
Judging from our notes, we had our first laugh 1 hour and 5 minutes in. I honestly do not recall what that was.
This one, again, has no real plot until the final 15 minutes or so. Wait, actually, it's better than that. For 90% of the movie, the plot (sort of) revolves around the possible closing down of the police academy. They have to contend with a rival academy, and the loser will be shut down. So you get all hyped up for some sort of 80's summer camp movie conclusion where the good cops face off with the bad cops, probably in an athletic competition. You know, and they will totally get their asses kicked at first, and maybe the bad cops will be cheaters, but then the cop cops will use their one personality trait to win, or they will also cheat but in a funny way so that it's excused. But instead, in the last 10 minutes they throw that out the window and have an out-of-the-blue jet-ski themed action scene. It has such a disregard for everything that came before that I wanted to applaud.
Police Academy 3: Owned.For our wrap up, I think we mainly agreed that Sweet Chuck had to go NOW. We would not be so lucky. (That sort of became the mantra of this whole experiment). We thought the out-of-the-blue ending was pretty hilariously bad, so we wanted that to stay. We wanted more superpowers for Jones, and more weirdness and surrealism in general. Heading into part 4, I thought maybe the series was hitting it's stride...
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Continuing with the Abu Ghraib imagery,
we commence viewing our second film of the day.
Continuing with the Abu Ghraib imagery,we commence viewing our second film of the day.
Let me start off my Police Academy 2 post by saying something positive: there were naked female titties. Even though it's a PG-13, watered down, teenager-ified sequel, they work in some brief nudity. Kudos to the filmmakers.
Now, the clearest sign that this movie is an artistically bankrupt, cash-grab sequel is the title. Why the fuck is the movie called Police Academy 2 when it has absolutely nothing to do with a police academy? The characters from the first movie are now simply cops. They do not work at the police academy. They do not go to the police academy. I think there is exactly one scene that takes place at the police academy, which I guess excuses the title if you want to be generous. But it's like if Star Wars was titled The Mos Eisley Cantina.
There is a completely different director and different writers on this one, and I got the unmistakable impression watching Their First Assignment that the filmmakers were not really familiar with the first film. Instead of the characters being a group of (theoretically) lovable misfits and ragamuffins, they are just complete morons this time. Like when they start a shootout in an antique shop when there are no bad guys present. And they don't do it for fun, they do it because all the cops somehow mistake each other for criminals. It's the first sign of the series descent from being an R rated sex comedy to literally becoming a children's cartoon.
Plus, they abandon a whole bunch of characters from the original (most notably Lassard and the asshole with the cane and the one with the large tits), and add a bunch of new (and though it seemed impossible) less funny characters. Instead of bringing back Harris, the asshole with the cane, and his underlings as the villains, there's some new asshole named Mauser. And I gotta say... he just doesn't fit the part. You take one look at the actor who played Harris, and you know he's a douchebag. This Mauser fellow, he looks like he could be your favorite uncle. On the upside, Mauser's asshole underling Proctor is a way better asshole underling than the asshole underlings of part 1.
So fucking sellout Mahoney is back again, still a sellout trying to be bestest best cop he can be. Only it turns out he's a pretty shitty cop, pulling a bunch of lame-ass buffoonery like the aforementioned shootout. Hightower is still strong and tall (no more jokes based around his blackness, though), Hooks is still mousy and Tackleberry still likes guns.
And clumsy guy is back (Patrick's prayers were answered!) and gets the 2nd most inexplicable scene in the whole film. Early on, we see him get out of his cruiser at a gas station and walk towards the attendant. He's sort of hopping around and making a weird face, and we weren't really sure what the actor was trying to convey except maybe he had to vomit? Anyway, he explains that he has to use the restroom, but the guy won't give him the key. So it looks like they are setting up some sort of pee joke with clumsy guy, like I don't know maybe he really has to go but things keep preventing him and he pisses himself. Or he pisses all over the attendant.
OK, not a great joke, but I'm not being paid to write a Police Academy movie like the writers were. Point is, good or bad, I'd actually write a joke here. Not the writers of Their First Assignment, apparently, because clumsy guy asks again nicely and is given the key. And that's it, it's never referenced again, it doesn't lead to another joke and the following scene has nothing to do with it. So either the writers were avant-garde, anti-comedy geniuses, or this is the most pointless scene in film history.
A running trend we noticed in the first 4 films is that 90% of each movie is a plotless series of scenes featuring the major characters, and then suddenly some sort of crisis happens during the last 15 minutes and we're supposed to give a shit. Their First Assignment's structure is especially jarring in how Mahoney barely seems to feature in the film, then is suddenly thrust into the spotlight during the finale. My guess is that Steve Guttenberg didn't much feel like being in the sequel but couldn't turn down the money, so they gave him as little a part as possible while still trying to pretend that he's the lead. (This will be an ongoing trend with lead characters in the series, even after Guttenberg's departure). I don't really recall this, but Patrick noted that it was a better directed movie but more awkwardly paced. I think the "better directed" comment comes from the lack of slidewhistle edits.
Bobcat Goldthwait enters the series here as a bizarre gangleader, and he's pretty terrible in the film. But (spoiler warning here) his terrible, unfunny character slowly becomes the best part of the series over the next 2 movies. Here, he mostly just says off-the-wall nonsequitors. It doesn't work, but by part 4 they finally get a handle on Goldthwait's weird style, where he acts almost as if he is another movie entirely. It's not funny this time, but it does lead to one transcedant moment of purest cinema where he offers someone a light, and his hand spoantaneously bursts into flame and he waves it in front of their face. I can't even figure out what the filmmakers were going for... my best guess is that it was some sort of Airplane-esque wacky visual joke that completely fails. But it's so odd that it becomes a truly surreal moment in the film.
It's Lynchian. Bunuel would have loved it.
By far the worst part of this film is a character named Sweet Chuck. (Well, apparently that's his name. I don't recall anyone ever referring to him by name, but this is what the credits said). He's this little, nebbish, anal shop owner who gets picked on by the evil gangs. You know how I said how all the characters in these movies are defined by one trait, and then all the "jokes" are simply references to that trait? Well, Sweet Chuck's one "joke" doesn't even have to do with a trait. He gets repeatedly attacked by Bobcat Goldthwait's gang and, um, doesn't like it. It really makes him upset when he gets beat up or mugged. Like everyone on Earth. That's where all the "humor" comes from.
Oh, and even though this is a dickless, sexless, PG-13 affair, the gay panic is back. Not only gay panic, but the Blue Oyster comes back. Yup, somebody accidentally stumbles in and is immediatly assaulted by a cadre of gay stereotypes. Because that is what gays do. The Police Academy series is the most accurate portrayal of homosexuals on film.
This may technically be a worse film than part 1, but it's just so slight and forgettable and fast that it hardly inspires any feelings in me. We never had to rewind, because the movie is so simple and light that it's impossible not to follow with ease. It didn't even have the wit to insult my intelligence. It just sucked.
In our wrapup, Patrick and I begged that Sweet Chuck not return (we called him "shop owner" because we had no idea what his name was). Oh lord, if only that prophecy had come true. We wished Kim Cattral and Leslie Easterbrook would return to just add some sex appeal. But I think mostly we hoped the next film wouldn't be so bland. A marathon of Police Academy 2's would be boring but easy... like eating unsalted rice crackers all day.
This was all the enthusiasm we could muster at the end of part 2. Note my completely soul-less attempt at making a funny face. A very fitting tribute to the film itself.
Although, I guess Patrick does look angry.
Or maybe just constipated.
Now, the clearest sign that this movie is an artistically bankrupt, cash-grab sequel is the title. Why the fuck is the movie called Police Academy 2 when it has absolutely nothing to do with a police academy? The characters from the first movie are now simply cops. They do not work at the police academy. They do not go to the police academy. I think there is exactly one scene that takes place at the police academy, which I guess excuses the title if you want to be generous. But it's like if Star Wars was titled The Mos Eisley Cantina.
There is a completely different director and different writers on this one, and I got the unmistakable impression watching Their First Assignment that the filmmakers were not really familiar with the first film. Instead of the characters being a group of (theoretically) lovable misfits and ragamuffins, they are just complete morons this time. Like when they start a shootout in an antique shop when there are no bad guys present. And they don't do it for fun, they do it because all the cops somehow mistake each other for criminals. It's the first sign of the series descent from being an R rated sex comedy to literally becoming a children's cartoon.
Plus, they abandon a whole bunch of characters from the original (most notably Lassard and the asshole with the cane and the one with the large tits), and add a bunch of new (and though it seemed impossible) less funny characters. Instead of bringing back Harris, the asshole with the cane, and his underlings as the villains, there's some new asshole named Mauser. And I gotta say... he just doesn't fit the part. You take one look at the actor who played Harris, and you know he's a douchebag. This Mauser fellow, he looks like he could be your favorite uncle. On the upside, Mauser's asshole underling Proctor is a way better asshole underling than the asshole underlings of part 1.
So fucking sellout Mahoney is back again, still a sellout trying to be bestest best cop he can be. Only it turns out he's a pretty shitty cop, pulling a bunch of lame-ass buffoonery like the aforementioned shootout. Hightower is still strong and tall (no more jokes based around his blackness, though), Hooks is still mousy and Tackleberry still likes guns.
And clumsy guy is back (Patrick's prayers were answered!) and gets the 2nd most inexplicable scene in the whole film. Early on, we see him get out of his cruiser at a gas station and walk towards the attendant. He's sort of hopping around and making a weird face, and we weren't really sure what the actor was trying to convey except maybe he had to vomit? Anyway, he explains that he has to use the restroom, but the guy won't give him the key. So it looks like they are setting up some sort of pee joke with clumsy guy, like I don't know maybe he really has to go but things keep preventing him and he pisses himself. Or he pisses all over the attendant.
OK, not a great joke, but I'm not being paid to write a Police Academy movie like the writers were. Point is, good or bad, I'd actually write a joke here. Not the writers of Their First Assignment, apparently, because clumsy guy asks again nicely and is given the key. And that's it, it's never referenced again, it doesn't lead to another joke and the following scene has nothing to do with it. So either the writers were avant-garde, anti-comedy geniuses, or this is the most pointless scene in film history.
A running trend we noticed in the first 4 films is that 90% of each movie is a plotless series of scenes featuring the major characters, and then suddenly some sort of crisis happens during the last 15 minutes and we're supposed to give a shit. Their First Assignment's structure is especially jarring in how Mahoney barely seems to feature in the film, then is suddenly thrust into the spotlight during the finale. My guess is that Steve Guttenberg didn't much feel like being in the sequel but couldn't turn down the money, so they gave him as little a part as possible while still trying to pretend that he's the lead. (This will be an ongoing trend with lead characters in the series, even after Guttenberg's departure). I don't really recall this, but Patrick noted that it was a better directed movie but more awkwardly paced. I think the "better directed" comment comes from the lack of slidewhistle edits.
Bobcat Goldthwait enters the series here as a bizarre gangleader, and he's pretty terrible in the film. But (spoiler warning here) his terrible, unfunny character slowly becomes the best part of the series over the next 2 movies. Here, he mostly just says off-the-wall nonsequitors. It doesn't work, but by part 4 they finally get a handle on Goldthwait's weird style, where he acts almost as if he is another movie entirely. It's not funny this time, but it does lead to one transcedant moment of purest cinema where he offers someone a light, and his hand spoantaneously bursts into flame and he waves it in front of their face. I can't even figure out what the filmmakers were going for... my best guess is that it was some sort of Airplane-esque wacky visual joke that completely fails. But it's so odd that it becomes a truly surreal moment in the film.
It's Lynchian. Bunuel would have loved it.
By far the worst part of this film is a character named Sweet Chuck. (Well, apparently that's his name. I don't recall anyone ever referring to him by name, but this is what the credits said). He's this little, nebbish, anal shop owner who gets picked on by the evil gangs. You know how I said how all the characters in these movies are defined by one trait, and then all the "jokes" are simply references to that trait? Well, Sweet Chuck's one "joke" doesn't even have to do with a trait. He gets repeatedly attacked by Bobcat Goldthwait's gang and, um, doesn't like it. It really makes him upset when he gets beat up or mugged. Like everyone on Earth. That's where all the "humor" comes from.
Oh, and even though this is a dickless, sexless, PG-13 affair, the gay panic is back. Not only gay panic, but the Blue Oyster comes back. Yup, somebody accidentally stumbles in and is immediatly assaulted by a cadre of gay stereotypes. Because that is what gays do. The Police Academy series is the most accurate portrayal of homosexuals on film.
This may technically be a worse film than part 1, but it's just so slight and forgettable and fast that it hardly inspires any feelings in me. We never had to rewind, because the movie is so simple and light that it's impossible not to follow with ease. It didn't even have the wit to insult my intelligence. It just sucked.
In our wrapup, Patrick and I begged that Sweet Chuck not return (we called him "shop owner" because we had no idea what his name was). Oh lord, if only that prophecy had come true. We wished Kim Cattral and Leslie Easterbrook would return to just add some sex appeal. But I think mostly we hoped the next film wouldn't be so bland. A marathon of Police Academy 2's would be boring but easy... like eating unsalted rice crackers all day.
This was all the enthusiasm we could muster at the end of part 2. Note my completely soul-less attempt at making a funny face. A very fitting tribute to the film itself.Although, I guess Patrick does look angry.
Or maybe just constipated.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Police Academy
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Patrick and I were feeling pretty charged going into this one. You know, we figured this whole experiment would break us down at some point, but that wouldn’t be until like the 5th or 6th movie. The first Police Academy had been a big hit, it was the only one that was R-rated… it was probably going to be at least a little funny. Definitely the funniest of the bunch, and maybe not a bad movie overall.
Look at how excited we were, early that morning.
Looking back at this picture, I almost feel disgusted with my naivety.
About 10 or 15 minutes in, I was already becoming aware of my own hubris. I can tell, because in our notes I wrote down “10-15 minutes in… no laughs.”
And the situation didn’t improve much after that.
The jokes were so bad, and the filmmaking so incompetent, that half the time I couldn't even tell if isolated lines and scenes and moments were supposed to be funny. The “funny” dialogue was indistinguishable from the serious dialogue. I think someone involved in the production must have realized this too, because the editing really tries to underline some of (what I will generously refer to as) the punchlines. A scene will end on what I guess is supposed to be a zinger or punchline, and as it cuts to the next scene, the picture would do this sort of goofy flip transition. It’s hard to describe, but it was kind of the visual equivalent of a slidewhistle sound effect. In fact, given the level of humor we’re talking about here, I’m kind of shocked that there weren’t any slidewhistles. That would have at least made the film feel a little nutty.
So, Police Academy, it turns out is like a wannabe Stripes; an 80's style party-vibe comedy complete with female nudity and a flippant sense of humor. Or, at least, that's what it aspires to be. (And in the case of the titties, succeeds). It takes place in an unnamed city, and the mayor declares that to increase police enrollment, they will pretty much start letting anyone who wants into the academy. Hence setting the stage for a bunch of crazy characters to run amok at the police academy, etc etc. You know this movie is in trouble when the lead character "Mahoney" is a Bill Murray type, but he's being played by Steve Guttenberg. Guttenberg as Mahoney is supposed to be a crass but lovable party-anaimal who brings down the establishment with his zany antics. Only he's not lovable, and his antics aren't funny.
When he's introduced, he gets into an argument with some bald asshole, and I think this is supposed to be the part where we fall in love with Mahoney by illustrating what a funny rebel he is. So, to show us he's a free spirit, he, uh, points out that the other guy is wearing a wig. "Wig! Wig! Wig!" he shouts. And that I believe counts as Mahoney's first joke. Hilarious.
But you know what? It gets worse. Fuckin' Mahoney turns out to be a complete fuckin' sellout. Instead of taking "the man" down a peg or subverting the authority of the Police Academy, Mahoney decides to take this police shit seriously, and he cleans up his act to become a model citizen. He wasn't a rebel at all, just some whiny punk who didn't get enough structure in his youth.
We also ended up theorizing that Mahoney, despite his vague attempts at fucking Kim Cattrall in the movie, is a closeted homosexual. See, he repeatedly listens to Frankie Goes to Hollywood's classic gay sex anthem Relax, which raises a red flag. Then, he plays a prank on some other trainees by telling them to meet him at a bar, which turns out to be a gay bar named the Blue Oyster, where of course the men are immediately sexually assaulted by the flamboyant clientèle (the gay panic level in this movie is alarmingly high). Thing is, Mahoney offers up the address of the bar without a moment's hesitation, as if he were intimately familiar with the locale. I would kind of like it if our theory is true, if only because it means he would be a 2 dimensional character instead of 1 dimensional.
The stealth anti-hero of the movie turned out to be this clumsy guy whose name I don't remember. He keeps accidentally hurting other people, especially his wife (rampant misogyny = blockbuster!) and it's never funny. But at the end of the movie, he accidentally starts a major riot, doesn't realize he did it, and then in the middle of it all he sneaks off, changes out of his cop clothes and steals a suit, and completely shirks his duty. It's subtle, but I think he's truly the Bill Murray type rebel. He still sucks though.
So there's a cast of kooky characters like Hightower (the Big Black Guy), Hooks (mousy black girl), Tackleberry (the gun nut), Callahan (basically Hot Lips Hoolihan with bigger tits) and a bunch of others, and not a single one of them turn out to be funny in any possible way. They are only defined by their one character trait, and then the movie doesn't even bother to make any jokes about that. If Hightower shows up in a scene, the movie simply points out that he is tall or strong or black, and that's it. Hightower is in 6 of the movies, and the complete lack of a joke was so transcendental to us that Patrick and I just started screaming "Hightower is strong!" or "Hightower is Tall!" every time he appeared. The closest anyone comes to being funny is the guy who plays Cmdt. Lassard; he doesn't actually do anything funny, but he's a Leslie Nielsen type who has a certain charm to him.
About an hour into the movie, Patrick caught me already slacking off and ignoring what was going on. Here is our first moment of shame of the day, me rewinding Police Academy to watch what I missed:
Christ, I have a large fucking forehead.
This movie fucking sucked. I hate its simpleton mentality, its blatant homophobia, its faux-rebellious but secretly commercial values. I hate America for making it a hit. It inspired me to start drinking at 10 in the morning.
Still, though, it was a painless kind of suck that inspired an empty kind of hate in me, so Patrick and I were still pretty enthused by the end.
Patrick and I were feeling pretty charged going into this one. You know, we figured this whole experiment would break us down at some point, but that wouldn’t be until like the 5th or 6th movie. The first Police Academy had been a big hit, it was the only one that was R-rated… it was probably going to be at least a little funny. Definitely the funniest of the bunch, and maybe not a bad movie overall.
Look at how excited we were, early that morning.Looking back at this picture, I almost feel disgusted with my naivety.
About 10 or 15 minutes in, I was already becoming aware of my own hubris. I can tell, because in our notes I wrote down “10-15 minutes in… no laughs.”
And the situation didn’t improve much after that.
The jokes were so bad, and the filmmaking so incompetent, that half the time I couldn't even tell if isolated lines and scenes and moments were supposed to be funny. The “funny” dialogue was indistinguishable from the serious dialogue. I think someone involved in the production must have realized this too, because the editing really tries to underline some of (what I will generously refer to as) the punchlines. A scene will end on what I guess is supposed to be a zinger or punchline, and as it cuts to the next scene, the picture would do this sort of goofy flip transition. It’s hard to describe, but it was kind of the visual equivalent of a slidewhistle sound effect. In fact, given the level of humor we’re talking about here, I’m kind of shocked that there weren’t any slidewhistles. That would have at least made the film feel a little nutty.
So, Police Academy, it turns out is like a wannabe Stripes; an 80's style party-vibe comedy complete with female nudity and a flippant sense of humor. Or, at least, that's what it aspires to be. (And in the case of the titties, succeeds). It takes place in an unnamed city, and the mayor declares that to increase police enrollment, they will pretty much start letting anyone who wants into the academy. Hence setting the stage for a bunch of crazy characters to run amok at the police academy, etc etc. You know this movie is in trouble when the lead character "Mahoney" is a Bill Murray type, but he's being played by Steve Guttenberg. Guttenberg as Mahoney is supposed to be a crass but lovable party-anaimal who brings down the establishment with his zany antics. Only he's not lovable, and his antics aren't funny.
When he's introduced, he gets into an argument with some bald asshole, and I think this is supposed to be the part where we fall in love with Mahoney by illustrating what a funny rebel he is. So, to show us he's a free spirit, he, uh, points out that the other guy is wearing a wig. "Wig! Wig! Wig!" he shouts. And that I believe counts as Mahoney's first joke. Hilarious.
But you know what? It gets worse. Fuckin' Mahoney turns out to be a complete fuckin' sellout. Instead of taking "the man" down a peg or subverting the authority of the Police Academy, Mahoney decides to take this police shit seriously, and he cleans up his act to become a model citizen. He wasn't a rebel at all, just some whiny punk who didn't get enough structure in his youth.
We also ended up theorizing that Mahoney, despite his vague attempts at fucking Kim Cattrall in the movie, is a closeted homosexual. See, he repeatedly listens to Frankie Goes to Hollywood's classic gay sex anthem Relax, which raises a red flag. Then, he plays a prank on some other trainees by telling them to meet him at a bar, which turns out to be a gay bar named the Blue Oyster, where of course the men are immediately sexually assaulted by the flamboyant clientèle (the gay panic level in this movie is alarmingly high). Thing is, Mahoney offers up the address of the bar without a moment's hesitation, as if he were intimately familiar with the locale. I would kind of like it if our theory is true, if only because it means he would be a 2 dimensional character instead of 1 dimensional.
The stealth anti-hero of the movie turned out to be this clumsy guy whose name I don't remember. He keeps accidentally hurting other people, especially his wife (rampant misogyny = blockbuster!) and it's never funny. But at the end of the movie, he accidentally starts a major riot, doesn't realize he did it, and then in the middle of it all he sneaks off, changes out of his cop clothes and steals a suit, and completely shirks his duty. It's subtle, but I think he's truly the Bill Murray type rebel. He still sucks though.
So there's a cast of kooky characters like Hightower (the Big Black Guy), Hooks (mousy black girl), Tackleberry (the gun nut), Callahan (basically Hot Lips Hoolihan with bigger tits) and a bunch of others, and not a single one of them turn out to be funny in any possible way. They are only defined by their one character trait, and then the movie doesn't even bother to make any jokes about that. If Hightower shows up in a scene, the movie simply points out that he is tall or strong or black, and that's it. Hightower is in 6 of the movies, and the complete lack of a joke was so transcendental to us that Patrick and I just started screaming "Hightower is strong!" or "Hightower is Tall!" every time he appeared. The closest anyone comes to being funny is the guy who plays Cmdt. Lassard; he doesn't actually do anything funny, but he's a Leslie Nielsen type who has a certain charm to him.
About an hour into the movie, Patrick caught me already slacking off and ignoring what was going on. Here is our first moment of shame of the day, me rewinding Police Academy to watch what I missed:
Christ, I have a large fucking forehead.This movie fucking sucked. I hate its simpleton mentality, its blatant homophobia, its faux-rebellious but secretly commercial values. I hate America for making it a hit. It inspired me to start drinking at 10 in the morning.
Still, though, it was a painless kind of suck that inspired an empty kind of hate in me, so Patrick and I were still pretty enthused by the end.
I was starting to feel a buzz, and the soothing tingle of the alcohol was telling me that everything was going to be OK. If I kept up the liquid courage, this marathon would be no problem at all.
Patrick and I did a wrap-up, where we discussed what elements we liked/didn't like/wanted to return for the sequels. Well, frankly, I don't think we wanted anything to return for the sequels except maybe more hot naked titties. But, trying to be fair, we liked Lassard, thought the guy who made funny noises could maybe in some way have potential, and the gun nut guy could maybe be funny in a better movie. We wanted to lose the gay panic, the goofy editing, the asshole villains (except Harris, who you will remember as the asshole with the cane), but in a moment I bet he'll be regretting when he reads this, Patrick actually expressed his desire to see clumsy guy come back. His prophecy would come true, and we would end up ruing his presence in the sequels.
Here we are celebrating during the ending credits.
And yes, I did notice my striking resemblance to Lynndie England.
Patrick and I did a wrap-up, where we discussed what elements we liked/didn't like/wanted to return for the sequels. Well, frankly, I don't think we wanted anything to return for the sequels except maybe more hot naked titties. But, trying to be fair, we liked Lassard, thought the guy who made funny noises could maybe in some way have potential, and the gun nut guy could maybe be funny in a better movie. We wanted to lose the gay panic, the goofy editing, the asshole villains (except Harris, who you will remember as the asshole with the cane), but in a moment I bet he'll be regretting when he reads this, Patrick actually expressed his desire to see clumsy guy come back. His prophecy would come true, and we would end up ruing his presence in the sequels.
Here we are celebrating during the ending credits.And yes, I did notice my striking resemblance to Lynndie England.
“Because It Is There,” Introduction to an Unprecedented Act of Selfless Courage
What defines a hero? Is a hero someone who saves lives? Is a hero someone who upholds the laws and values of their society? Is a hero someone who inspires us to be a better person? Is a hero someone who kills people?
Or, is a hero someone who engages in an act of extreme psychological masochism, documents this act, and then reports on it so that others won’t have to experience it themselves? Something along the line of, say, marathoning all seven Police Academy films in a row in a single day?
Put your hand down, I’m not really asking your opinion. I already know the answer, and it is a resounding “fuck yes.”
It all started about 3 ½ years ago at JMU, around the time I first made the acquaintance of an ambitious, bright-eyed freshman named Patrick. He and I bonded over a shared knowledge of bad, often forgotten pop-culture media from our childhoods. At some point, I imagine after a robust discussion of the finer points of Surf Ninjas, we began discussing the Police Academy series. Or, more specifically, how un-goddamned-believable it was that they actually managed to make seven of them. I mean seriously, we pompously chuckled, seven? Ghostbusters was a way bigger hit, and they only made two of those. Who would actually watch all seven?
As it turns out, we would.
I think we meant it as a joke at first, but before we knew it, we started planning it out for real. And with Patrick graduating this May, we knew this semester may be our last chance ever. So, after a few missteps and cancellations, we finally found a Saturday that worked for both of us.
We set some simple ground rules. It all had to happen in one day, as the point was to be an endurance test. Talking was allowed, but we always had to stay focused on the films. Drinking was strongly encouraged, but not so much that we would lose focus on the film. We were allowed to take breaks to eat, but only short ones, and we in fact just ended up eating all three meals that day while watching. Most importantly: if at any point we felt that either of us had stopped paying attention, we had to rewind back to the last part we remembered. We had to commit to paying attention to all seven films.
After each film, we would assess our mental state, briefly discuss the film and decide what we liked and did not like, and what we would like to see in the following film. About midway through, just to make it more of an endurance test, we would run around my block as fast as we could, while drunk.
So, the following posts will be a summation of our day, on Saturday March 1, 2008, spent watching all seven Police Academy movies. It was a day like no other I’ve ever had, and not exactly what either of us expected. It was both easier and far more challenging than we had believed. And we pushed ourselves to the very limit of what a human being can take… an act of selfless courage unprecedented in our era.
Special thanks must be made to my girlfriend Shenan, who (in an act of superhuman girlfriend dedication) actually stuck around for about 75% of the marathon, and not only took all the pictures, but provided some serious emotional support during our moments of doubt. I would like to say that she was the true hero here… but actually, Patrick and I are still the real heroes. Regardless, we appreciated her presence, and hope she earns her rightful place as a footnote in our great legacy.
Or, is a hero someone who engages in an act of extreme psychological masochism, documents this act, and then reports on it so that others won’t have to experience it themselves? Something along the line of, say, marathoning all seven Police Academy films in a row in a single day?
Put your hand down, I’m not really asking your opinion. I already know the answer, and it is a resounding “fuck yes.”
It all started about 3 ½ years ago at JMU, around the time I first made the acquaintance of an ambitious, bright-eyed freshman named Patrick. He and I bonded over a shared knowledge of bad, often forgotten pop-culture media from our childhoods. At some point, I imagine after a robust discussion of the finer points of Surf Ninjas, we began discussing the Police Academy series. Or, more specifically, how un-goddamned-believable it was that they actually managed to make seven of them. I mean seriously, we pompously chuckled, seven? Ghostbusters was a way bigger hit, and they only made two of those. Who would actually watch all seven?
As it turns out, we would.
I think we meant it as a joke at first, but before we knew it, we started planning it out for real. And with Patrick graduating this May, we knew this semester may be our last chance ever. So, after a few missteps and cancellations, we finally found a Saturday that worked for both of us.
We set some simple ground rules. It all had to happen in one day, as the point was to be an endurance test. Talking was allowed, but we always had to stay focused on the films. Drinking was strongly encouraged, but not so much that we would lose focus on the film. We were allowed to take breaks to eat, but only short ones, and we in fact just ended up eating all three meals that day while watching. Most importantly: if at any point we felt that either of us had stopped paying attention, we had to rewind back to the last part we remembered. We had to commit to paying attention to all seven films.
After each film, we would assess our mental state, briefly discuss the film and decide what we liked and did not like, and what we would like to see in the following film. About midway through, just to make it more of an endurance test, we would run around my block as fast as we could, while drunk.
So, the following posts will be a summation of our day, on Saturday March 1, 2008, spent watching all seven Police Academy movies. It was a day like no other I’ve ever had, and not exactly what either of us expected. It was both easier and far more challenging than we had believed. And we pushed ourselves to the very limit of what a human being can take… an act of selfless courage unprecedented in our era.
Special thanks must be made to my girlfriend Shenan, who (in an act of superhuman girlfriend dedication) actually stuck around for about 75% of the marathon, and not only took all the pictures, but provided some serious emotional support during our moments of doubt. I would like to say that she was the true hero here… but actually, Patrick and I are still the real heroes. Regardless, we appreciated her presence, and hope she earns her rightful place as a footnote in our great legacy.
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