“Because It Is There,” Introduction to an Unprecedented Act of Selfless Courage

What defines a hero? Is a hero someone who saves lives? Is a hero someone who upholds the laws and values of their society? Is a hero someone who inspires us to be a better person? Is a hero someone who kills people?

Or, is a hero someone who engages in an act of extreme psychological masochism, documents this act, and then reports on it so that others won’t have to experience it themselves? Something along the line of, say, marathoning all seven Police Academy films in a row in a single day?

Put your hand down, I’m not really asking your opinion. I already know the answer, and it is a resounding “fuck yes.”

It all started about 3 ½ years ago at JMU, around the time I first made the acquaintance of an ambitious, bright-eyed freshman named Patrick. He and I bonded over a shared knowledge of bad, often forgotten pop-culture media from our childhoods. At some point, I imagine after a robust discussion of the finer points of Surf Ninjas, we began discussing the Police Academy series. Or, more specifically, how un-goddamned-believable it was that they actually managed to make seven of them. I mean seriously, we pompously chuckled, seven? Ghostbusters was a way bigger hit, and they only made two of those. Who would actually watch all seven?

As it turns out, we would.

I think we meant it as a joke at first, but before we knew it, we started planning it out for real. And with Patrick graduating this May, we knew this semester may be our last chance ever. So, after a few missteps and cancellations, we finally found a Saturday that worked for both of us.

We set some simple ground rules. It all had to happen in one day, as the point was to be an endurance test. Talking was allowed, but we always had to stay focused on the films. Drinking was strongly encouraged, but not so much that we would lose focus on the film. We were allowed to take breaks to eat, but only short ones, and we in fact just ended up eating all three meals that day while watching. Most importantly: if at any point we felt that either of us had stopped paying attention, we had to rewind back to the last part we remembered. We had to commit to paying attention to all seven films.

After each film, we would assess our mental state, briefly discuss the film and decide what we liked and did not like, and what we would like to see in the following film. About midway through, just to make it more of an endurance test, we would run around my block as fast as we could, while drunk.

So, the following posts will be a summation of our day, on Saturday March 1, 2008, spent watching all seven Police Academy movies. It was a day like no other I’ve ever had, and not exactly what either of us expected. It was both easier and far more challenging than we had believed. And we pushed ourselves to the very limit of what a human being can take… an act of selfless courage unprecedented in our era.

Special thanks must be made to my girlfriend Shenan, who (in an act of superhuman girlfriend dedication) actually stuck around for about 75% of the marathon, and not only took all the pictures, but provided some serious emotional support during our moments of doubt. I would like to say that she was the true hero here… but actually, Patrick and I are still the real heroes. Regardless, we appreciated her presence, and hope she earns her rightful place as a footnote in our great legacy.