Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach

Saturday, March 1, 2008

There is one thing, and one thing alone, that I will compliment about Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach: Sweet Chuck is finally gone. Praise God, they finally got rid of the obnoxious little fucker.

Patrick's idea to continue the torture motif was to do a titty twister.
Problem is, we both look way too into it.

In the early posts, you may have noticed that I made this big deal of how awful this whole experience was, yet I mention that we are still feeling upbeat and positive after each movie. Well, part 5 is where this changed. This movie is a slow, awkward blackhole of comedy where jokes are sucked in and never escape. Our once festive mood was brought to a halt.

Weirdly enough, I remembered this one pretty well. I think it must have always been on HBO when I was little, because I'm pretty sure I saw it 2 or 3 times already.

So, we have most of the major players back, except now Mahoney is gone. Instead of Mahoney, about 20 minutes into the movie we meet a guy of about the same physical description who gets into Mahoney-esque antics, has a love interest, and in true Mahoney tradition has a small role that the movie likes to pretend is the lead. Patrick and I nicknamed him Not-Mahoney.

Actually, if anyone really feels like the lead this time, it's Lassard. This should be a good thing, as Lassard is clearly the most likable character in the whole series. Not in Assignment Miami Beach, though. Here, they play Lassard as so stupid that Patrick and I were convinced he had Alzheimer's. He gets kidnapped by bad guys at a police convention, but for some reason he's convinced that it's all some sort of staged performance. Even after they tie him to a chair in their apartment. It's like a Man Who Knew Too Little situation, but even less funny.

The most amusing part of this movie (albiet, unintentionally so) for me was the fact Rene Auberjonois plays the villain. You probably don't recognize the name, but he was in a bunch of Robert Altman movies back in the 70's. Including McCabe & Ms. Miller, which Roger Ebert called a perfect movie. And only 15 years later, he was in a Police Academy movie. I imagine between every take he was thinking "Jesus, Rene. A decade ago you were a frequent collaborator with one of the most critically respected directors of all time. And now you're doing a farting-in-an-elevator scene in a movie even Steve fucking Guttenberg wouldn't show up for. Siiiighhhhhh.... think of the paycheck. The paycheck is your motivation."

OK, so all the cops go to Miami to attend a police convention. I assume this is a move of desperation on the part of the filmmakers, trying to add some false sense of freshness to the series by relocation. So it's a little fascinating that they don't take advantage of the new surroundings to provide any new humor. Outside of some local color, and a Jaws parody (which didn't take place in Florida, btw), it's just the same group of characters making the exact same jokes.

It also dawned on us that this movie was possibly the inspiration for Reno 911: Miami. I had figured it was a Miami Vice or CSI: Miami joke the Reno folks were going for, but now I'm not so sure. Both movies are about a group of zany cops going to a police convention in Miami... it makes Reno 911 seem even funnier in retrospect.

Doing a little analysis, I think Patrick and I determined the main flaw with this movie. Unlike the prior four films, this one wasn't a plotless mess with a story that only kicks in during the finale. Instead, there's this whole awful, unfunny plot about Lassard picking up a criminal's luggage filled with stolen diamonds, and the bad guys trying to get it back and eventually kidnapping him. The other movies were awful and filled with unfunny jokes, but part 5 is that plus an awful, unfunny plot that dominates every moment. It was the awful, unfunny glue that filled in the cracks of neutrality that the other movies possessed. By having a "stronger" story, it just meant more awfulness to go around.

Wow. I don't even know where to go from here. This movie was a dead zone. It was bad, and flat, and boring. I thought the physical challenge was bad, but this was worse. This is where I stopped having fun and started wondering when the day was going to be over.

I know we look like we're having fun here, but it's only because of the Stockholm Syndrome.
This movie abducted and tortured us for 90 minutes.

In our wrapup, we decided that Not-Mahoney was just as shitty as real Mahoney. We bemoaned the lack of surrealism, and agreed that these movies are better plotless. Also, we noted "Hooks? Seriously?!" That's right, you may have noticed that I haven't mentioned Hooks in a while. You may have thought she left. But no. It's been 5 movies, she only gets like 5 minutes of screen time in each harping the same lame joke, yet they kept her around.

My only consolation was that it couldn't get worse. This had to be the worst movie in the series, no way around it. Turns out, we had no idea how bad it would get...