Life is a lot like the Police Academy series. I mean, not literally. We aren't all a bunch of wacky cops defined by one and only one character trait. I mean that life is like Police Academy in a broader sense. They're both long and often inexplicable, and people seem to suddenly disappear for no reason, only to reappear some time later. Well, ok, life's not really too much like that, but we're coming to the end of my writeup of the marathon, and I'm feeling a little sentimental. Thought I'd wax philosophical.
Here we are, finally at the end of this winding, rocky road called "life." The first 6 movies were made pretty much one after another, i.e. 6 movies were made in 6 years. Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow was made 5 years after part 6. It was the last one made. I guess that makes it the swan song.
Police Academy 7: Is It Over Yet?We went into this one with our souls completely crushed, but I'm happy to say it's not nearly as terrible as part 6. More along the average terribleness of the series. Only this one was a little weirder and more interesting than some of the others. And I'll give it this: it was the most competently directed and edited. It didn't look like a total piece of shit. And shucks, compared to 6... both are pieces of shit, but part 6 was like a piece of shit that somehow made it into your Cheerios, and this is just a piece of shit you found on your front porch. Not as traumatizing.
Staying positive for a moment, this movie features Christopher Lee and Ron Perlman in small roles, clearly the 2 best actors ever to appear in the series. I mean, they are both terrible in this, but it's nice to see them. How you doing, guys? Also, Claire Forlani is in this, and you may have noticed that she is hot.
Tackleberry is back, and so are Callahan, Harris, Lassard and Jones. Gone are Hightower, Hooks, Clumsy Guy (thank the Lord!), Proctor (Aww!) and Not-Mahoney. The absence of Not-Mahoney is interesting, because instead of finally giving Tackleberry or Lassard their due and make them the lead, they introduce a new bland white guy to take the reigns. Shenan named him "I Can't Believe It's Not Mahoney." And now that I think of it, "I Can't Believe it's Not Not-Mahoney" would have been even better. But we've already committed. Stay the course, I always say. Mission (to Moscow) Accomplished.
Anyways, this new Mahoney substitute may actually be the least funny of the 3 (if such a thing is calculable), but also the most interesting. See, although the movie seems to think he's a likable hero, he's actually a bitter, manipulative, misanthropic, narcissistic bastard. Like when Claire Forlani, who is assigned to show him around Moscow, asks for a transfer, he goes to her boss and talks shit about her to get her pulled off of the better assignment. So of course then they end up falling in love. Only in the movies, man.
Oh right, I don't know if you could tell from the title, but they go to Moscow in this one, to stop an evil video game from being released by the Russian Mafia to... oh heck, like you care about the story. At least the new location sets up some jokes, unlike when they went to Miami. Most notably, a lot of jokes are made about all Russians being incredible acrobats.
"Huh?" you may be thinking. Well, I wasn't aware of it either, but apparently it must be some racist Russian joke that they all are acrobats. Because things will happen like the gang will be told that Russians are inside a room painting, and they open the door and the painters are all doing backflips and twirls as they paint.
Yeah, that's right, the surrealism is back, and I for one appreciated it. Once again, it's the frequent inexplicable touches that end up being the best moments. Like this weird, David Lynch-esque identity swap scene where the gang is suddenly the staff at a lounge club, including Callahan singing a sexy soft jazz number. It's because they are all undercover, but it isn't well setup and comes out of the blue.
Even better is, at one point, Jones is trying to break into a safe, and what he does is make lock clicking noises with his mouth, and then the safe answers. They go back and forth until the safe opens. So apparently he speaks the language of locks. Again, it's just too bad Bunuel didn't live to see this movie.
My favorite inexplicable scene has got to be the ballet scene. The gang is at a big ballet performance when, with absolutely no explanation as to how, Tackleberry and Harris end up on stage dressed as the dancers. Full costume, with makeup. It's like the filmmakers couldn't think of a reason to explain how they got there, but that it was too golden of a comic opportunity to pass up.
Well, our notes got pretty messy at this point, as we had been drinking for almost 12 hours. Apparently the slidewhistle edit returned at some point. Also, I see here that Patrick wrote "inappropriate sound effect usage." I can't recall that at all, so maybe he can interject to remind me.
At long last, our moment of victory.
And that about wraps it up for the series. When the movie ended, we were pretty jubilant. Not so much because we enjoyed 7, but because it was finally over.
OK, I know I didn't make this ordeal sound too bad. And at times, it wasn't. To their credit, most of the movies went by pretty fast and easy, like candy circus peanuts.
But also like circus peanuts, they start to make you feel sick and worn down after a while. We started this marathon at around 10am that Saturday morning, and it didn't end until after 10pm. Breaks were minimal. That's 12 hours dedicated to Police Academy in one form or another, be it watching them, talking about them, thinking about them. And now I've spent another 6 hours or something writing these posts. It's dedication, but it goes beyond dedication. It's a little insane, yes, but goes beyond insanity. What it really is, is courage. True, deep, simple, courageous American courage.
I submit this to you, brave reader, my log of Patrick's and my journey to the heart of darkness. We have tread where no men have gone before, and come out the other side. With these posts, we aim to educate and perhaps even save lives.
BUT WAIT! Up next, we present the 1st Ever "Hightower is Tall!" Police Academy Awards!
Staying positive for a moment, this movie features Christopher Lee and Ron Perlman in small roles, clearly the 2 best actors ever to appear in the series. I mean, they are both terrible in this, but it's nice to see them. How you doing, guys? Also, Claire Forlani is in this, and you may have noticed that she is hot.
Tackleberry is back, and so are Callahan, Harris, Lassard and Jones. Gone are Hightower, Hooks, Clumsy Guy (thank the Lord!), Proctor (Aww!) and Not-Mahoney. The absence of Not-Mahoney is interesting, because instead of finally giving Tackleberry or Lassard their due and make them the lead, they introduce a new bland white guy to take the reigns. Shenan named him "I Can't Believe It's Not Mahoney." And now that I think of it, "I Can't Believe it's Not Not-Mahoney" would have been even better. But we've already committed. Stay the course, I always say. Mission (to Moscow) Accomplished.
Anyways, this new Mahoney substitute may actually be the least funny of the 3 (if such a thing is calculable), but also the most interesting. See, although the movie seems to think he's a likable hero, he's actually a bitter, manipulative, misanthropic, narcissistic bastard. Like when Claire Forlani, who is assigned to show him around Moscow, asks for a transfer, he goes to her boss and talks shit about her to get her pulled off of the better assignment. So of course then they end up falling in love. Only in the movies, man.
Oh right, I don't know if you could tell from the title, but they go to Moscow in this one, to stop an evil video game from being released by the Russian Mafia to... oh heck, like you care about the story. At least the new location sets up some jokes, unlike when they went to Miami. Most notably, a lot of jokes are made about all Russians being incredible acrobats.
"Huh?" you may be thinking. Well, I wasn't aware of it either, but apparently it must be some racist Russian joke that they all are acrobats. Because things will happen like the gang will be told that Russians are inside a room painting, and they open the door and the painters are all doing backflips and twirls as they paint.
Yeah, that's right, the surrealism is back, and I for one appreciated it. Once again, it's the frequent inexplicable touches that end up being the best moments. Like this weird, David Lynch-esque identity swap scene where the gang is suddenly the staff at a lounge club, including Callahan singing a sexy soft jazz number. It's because they are all undercover, but it isn't well setup and comes out of the blue.
Even better is, at one point, Jones is trying to break into a safe, and what he does is make lock clicking noises with his mouth, and then the safe answers. They go back and forth until the safe opens. So apparently he speaks the language of locks. Again, it's just too bad Bunuel didn't live to see this movie.
My favorite inexplicable scene has got to be the ballet scene. The gang is at a big ballet performance when, with absolutely no explanation as to how, Tackleberry and Harris end up on stage dressed as the dancers. Full costume, with makeup. It's like the filmmakers couldn't think of a reason to explain how they got there, but that it was too golden of a comic opportunity to pass up.
Well, our notes got pretty messy at this point, as we had been drinking for almost 12 hours. Apparently the slidewhistle edit returned at some point. Also, I see here that Patrick wrote "inappropriate sound effect usage." I can't recall that at all, so maybe he can interject to remind me.
At long last, our moment of victory.And that about wraps it up for the series. When the movie ended, we were pretty jubilant. Not so much because we enjoyed 7, but because it was finally over.
OK, I know I didn't make this ordeal sound too bad. And at times, it wasn't. To their credit, most of the movies went by pretty fast and easy, like candy circus peanuts.
But also like circus peanuts, they start to make you feel sick and worn down after a while. We started this marathon at around 10am that Saturday morning, and it didn't end until after 10pm. Breaks were minimal. That's 12 hours dedicated to Police Academy in one form or another, be it watching them, talking about them, thinking about them. And now I've spent another 6 hours or something writing these posts. It's dedication, but it goes beyond dedication. It's a little insane, yes, but goes beyond insanity. What it really is, is courage. True, deep, simple, courageous American courage.
I submit this to you, brave reader, my log of Patrick's and my journey to the heart of darkness. We have tread where no men have gone before, and come out the other side. With these posts, we aim to educate and perhaps even save lives.
BUT WAIT! Up next, we present the 1st Ever "Hightower is Tall!" Police Academy Awards!
1 comment:
I like this experiment. I don't think I ever made it all the way through Mission to Moscow. That went straight to cable. Not even video first until DVD, I think, though maybe it came out in other countries.
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