I can barely muster up the energy to talk about this movie. Police Academy 6 isn't just bad, it's aggressively dreary. It awakened an existential dread in me. None of the Police Academy movies are funny, but this is the only one that made me feel kinda sad.
You know what's a better movie than Police Academy 6: City Under Siege?Under Siege 2: Dark Territory
Sigh. Where to begin? The funniest thing about this movie is entirely accidental. It is the fact that it was directed by a man named Peter Bonerz. I shit you not. Laugh it up, because it's a funny as this shit gets. Take note of the "z" at the end of his name; appreciate that nuance. Consider that Peter is also a term for penis, as if his name is trying to specify that it's not just any old boner, but a boner involving a penis. Please, savor this. Roll the Bonerz around your palette, because it's the best you're gonna get.
Not-Mahoney is back, again pretending to be the main character even though he doesn't do anything and probably has equal screen time as the other characters. And now it's just kind of sad. At least Steve Guttenberg was kind of a star, so pretending he was the hero made sense. I can't figure out why they don't just make one of the other characters the lead, like Hightower or Lassard, except I guess they felt they no one would want to watch it unless the hero was a generic looking, young-ish white guy.
Tackleberry still loves guns, Hooks still occasionally yells at someone, Harris is still an asshole, yadda yadda yadda. We expected that. What we didn't expect was, that after a 2 film absence, they would bring back Clumsy Guy. He triumphantly marches into the film, accidentally sets off some fireworks in the police station (I'm still unclear how that happened) and then proceeds to maybe stumble over something once or twice in the movie. I don't know. They bring him back, then don't use him much.
Wait, no. I'm still angry about this. What the fuck? Why bring this asshole back. Were the rabid Acadamaniacs frothing at the mouth for his return? Was there a write-in campaign to the studio begging to put him in the new movie? Who exactly was it that thought "Boy, parts 4 and 5 were not very good movies, and I feel the only way to rectify this in part 6 is to bring back that guy who was barely in the series and accidentally broke stuff a few times." I want to punch the asshole who came up with that idea right in his asshole nose.
Hightower is back, and still tall and strong. What a fucking career this guy had. He starred in 6 movies that didn't even require him to act, all they required was that he look like himself. Lucky bastard. And they actually kind of throw in a variation for his character this time... he has to fight a tall, strong villain. I guess there could be potential here, but it just leads to an awkward scene where they fight by hugging each other really tight and their powers cancel each other out and they can't hurt one another. Then the bad guy makes a knock knock joke, and Hightower gets mad and says, "Fighting is one thing, but bad jokes is where I draw the line! " and suddenly that gives him strength to kick his ass.
Hightower, I got a question for you, man. If a bad joke is all it takes to whip you into a murderous frenzy, then why hadn't you killed the entire cast at this point?
This one turns out to be even more plot heavy than the last one. There's even a mysterious criminal mastermind that the crew has to unmask. There's so much plot that the finale is essentially the cast standing around spouting expository exclamations for 5 minutes. And I will give this movie credit here, because it calls attention to its own worthlessness: Lassard falls asleep in the middle of the long winded explanation. It actually made me laugh, and I only had to wait 80 minutes to get there.
This is not only the worst fucking movie in the whole series, it's on my short list for worst fucking comedy ever made. It goes beyond the unfunniness of the other films and becomes a miserable, soul sucking experience. It's a joyless, lifeless experience, devoid of any energy or sense of fun. You watch the movie, and you feel like no one wanted to be there, not the actors, not the director, not anybody. Even the look of the film is dank, dark and muted. Most of the scenes take place at night or in dimly lit locations. And it didn't help that we watched it on a shitty VHS copy.
We were supposed to be making a "6" but it got cut off, and we were miserable, so it looks more like we're being forced at gunpoint to make a porno.
Not-Mahoney is back, again pretending to be the main character even though he doesn't do anything and probably has equal screen time as the other characters. And now it's just kind of sad. At least Steve Guttenberg was kind of a star, so pretending he was the hero made sense. I can't figure out why they don't just make one of the other characters the lead, like Hightower or Lassard, except I guess they felt they no one would want to watch it unless the hero was a generic looking, young-ish white guy.
Tackleberry still loves guns, Hooks still occasionally yells at someone, Harris is still an asshole, yadda yadda yadda. We expected that. What we didn't expect was, that after a 2 film absence, they would bring back Clumsy Guy. He triumphantly marches into the film, accidentally sets off some fireworks in the police station (I'm still unclear how that happened) and then proceeds to maybe stumble over something once or twice in the movie. I don't know. They bring him back, then don't use him much.
Wait, no. I'm still angry about this. What the fuck? Why bring this asshole back. Were the rabid Acadamaniacs frothing at the mouth for his return? Was there a write-in campaign to the studio begging to put him in the new movie? Who exactly was it that thought "Boy, parts 4 and 5 were not very good movies, and I feel the only way to rectify this in part 6 is to bring back that guy who was barely in the series and accidentally broke stuff a few times." I want to punch the asshole who came up with that idea right in his asshole nose.
Hightower is back, and still tall and strong. What a fucking career this guy had. He starred in 6 movies that didn't even require him to act, all they required was that he look like himself. Lucky bastard. And they actually kind of throw in a variation for his character this time... he has to fight a tall, strong villain. I guess there could be potential here, but it just leads to an awkward scene where they fight by hugging each other really tight and their powers cancel each other out and they can't hurt one another. Then the bad guy makes a knock knock joke, and Hightower gets mad and says, "Fighting is one thing, but bad jokes is where I draw the line! " and suddenly that gives him strength to kick his ass.
Hightower, I got a question for you, man. If a bad joke is all it takes to whip you into a murderous frenzy, then why hadn't you killed the entire cast at this point?
This one turns out to be even more plot heavy than the last one. There's even a mysterious criminal mastermind that the crew has to unmask. There's so much plot that the finale is essentially the cast standing around spouting expository exclamations for 5 minutes. And I will give this movie credit here, because it calls attention to its own worthlessness: Lassard falls asleep in the middle of the long winded explanation. It actually made me laugh, and I only had to wait 80 minutes to get there.
This is not only the worst fucking movie in the whole series, it's on my short list for worst fucking comedy ever made. It goes beyond the unfunniness of the other films and becomes a miserable, soul sucking experience. It's a joyless, lifeless experience, devoid of any energy or sense of fun. You watch the movie, and you feel like no one wanted to be there, not the actors, not the director, not anybody. Even the look of the film is dank, dark and muted. Most of the scenes take place at night or in dimly lit locations. And it didn't help that we watched it on a shitty VHS copy.
We were supposed to be making a "6" but it got cut off, and we were miserable, so it looks more like we're being forced at gunpoint to make a porno.I thought part 5 was bad? Fuck that. I would watch it twice in a row before I watched this again. During our roundup we decided... that we didn't want to be doing this any more. But that wasn't an option. So we just prayed that the 5 years in between the productions this one and the final film were a time of change. Preferrably, none of these awful fucking characters would return, and it would in no way be anything like this movie, in fact wouldn't it be great if Police Academy 7 turned out to actually be Terminator 2? That would be great. But if it had to actually be a real Police Academy movie, we figured they should make Hooks the main character. Because fuck it.
So how did part 7 turn out? Tune in next time...
So how did part 7 turn out? Tune in next time...
2 comments:
You have only once choice for a follow-up to this wonderful diatribe:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Police_Academy_Stunt_Show
Start packing your bags.
At first I was like "Someone made a live Police Academy show? And it's STILL RUNNING?!" But then I realized that it's in Australia, which I've always imagine as retrograded cultural black hole.
Still, you gotta wonder why a country founded by convicts would embrace Police Academy so wholeheartedly.
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